Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"I have an acquaintance who constantly fiddle/scratches her earlobes and then cleans under finger nails. She does this repeatedly during casual conversation and even when food is around. There is a part of me that believes that this may be a habit from childhood or a fidgety-response to anxiety. I have contemplated bringing it to her attention because it makes her appear unsanitary. While it grosses me out, my purpose for telling her would be to make her cognizant of her behavior. Perhaps she is unaware. What would you do? Would you bring it to her attention and if so, how would you start the conversation?"
Dear 5footer I would very casually mention this to my friend. Like you stated she may be unaware of the fact that she is doing this. We do a lot of things out of habit that don’t really register as being present in our minds. Scratching an earlobe or digging wax balls from her ear are two different things, but since you didn’t say the latter I am going to just stick with the scratching.
So just bring it to her attention and you could be very helpful to your friend or you may even learn something about her. She could be allergic to her earrings which cause her lobes to become irritated. Consider the other gross habits she could be doing in front of others.
That's my Two-Cents!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
“I have some really good friends. I am also investing a lot of energy into my growth and development. The growth I am experiencing is causing me to out grow some of my friends. There is a part of me that has been resisting this reality. In some cases, it makes conversing challenging because I find their views so narrow - not different. How do you have a transformational experience and keep the people you feel close to in your life?”
Life is all about growth. We grow into some things while growing out of others. The thing about growth is that it happens to different people at different times which can be what is causing you to feel what you are currently feeling. I do believe that there are certain people that are placed on our paths in life that are seasonal. They have a specific purpose for a specific time and once that time is up that relationship will seem to fade.
However, real friends are forever. I am not one to subscribe to the idea of out growing someone that I authentically call friend. Friends are people we can depend on through the hardest and happiest of times. Friends are those people we can keep it real with and not feel judged on how shallow our views and ideas may be. Friends are those people that are patient with you throughout whatever process you are going through without making you feel invaluable to the relationship.
Perhaps this change that you are experiencing is not as metamorphic as you feel it is. Perhaps the conversations are becoming difficult because you have been over analyzing your experience thus shutting off different views. Perhaps you should do a little more investing in the friendships so that you can learn your friends a little better. Every conversation is not for everyone. You have to know who to discuss what with or who to share what experience with. Talk to colleagues, co workers or even try blogging to share with random people. The reason we take everything to our friends is because underneath it all we expect them to agree.
I hope I am not sounding harsh here, but I am very passionate about friendships because I have grown to understand the value of real friends through the years. I have over 15yrs of vested time with my friends and we have all grown and are growing, but we never stop loving each other. At the end of the day, you know who you can call at 3 am in the morning if you needed to no matter how narrow their views.
What I suggest is that you step back aND take a look at yourself. It is highly possible that you are pushing yourself away from your friends because you may feel that they will reject your new space without giving them a chance to fully embrace where you are. I would also suggest that you have a talk with your friends about what you are experiencing. You never know, it may cause them to begin their own personal journey linking you all back together.
Be blessed and know that in order to embrace you must start by being open.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Have you ever come to a place in your life where everything seems scattered? It seems as though all of the pieces of your life are at different ends of your personal world and out of grasp; while reaching and trying to claim one of the pieces other pieces float beyond your reach. So no matter how hard you try to gather everything there is always something beyond your reach. When you think about it you’re almost like an astronaut floating in space with no sense of gravity.
You are not alone! I have struggled with this for so long and it’s exhausting. You reach for love as your personal goals move further out of reach or you reach for spirituality as your career moves past you. You spend so much time and energy reaching and never ever really connecting so you grab what you can for as long as you can and just sacrifice while the other parts of your life float around you. For example, when most people get their hands or arms around love they tend to be content; not realizing they are squeezing the life out of it ( LONG PAUSE………………). Everything else can be a mess, but as long as we feel that we have love it can fix everything. Love alone does not balance our lives. It is not until we lose our grasp on love we realize the other parts of our lives have been totally neglected.
As I am writing and thinking it is coming to me that the reason for this flotation of pieces is due to our EMOTIONAL WEIGHT. We become so heavily invested in one area of our life that when we try to reach for the others we tilt/ shift our atmosphere; we lean too far to the left or too far to the right; we reach too high to the top and too low to the bottom and all the while everything else is being constantly shifted. You/I weigh too much! We carry around too much emotional weight on a daily basis because we forget to exhale every now and then. The more we inhale and exhale the lighter we become and the lighter we become we can begin to find an emotional balance.
Finding our emotional balance requires that we be still; stop reaching. Whatever it is that you have both hands around at the present time let it go. There is a high probability that whatever is that you are holding so tightly is keeping other things out of your reach. You have to realize that if it’s meant for you to have then it will come back to you because you will attract it.
Instead of this constant reaching we must balance our lives. We must poise ourselves like a dancer and find our center. Once we find our center we then can begin to strengthen our core which is the most important part of who we are. In this position we will begin to create a focused and balance energy that will allow us to reach with both arms in opposite but balanced directions. We can even extend our legs just the same as long as we are focused on balance.
I believe that what will surprise us is that we will discover that we do not have to reach as far or as high as we once thought we did. I believe we will witness the magnetic force of everything we need and desire gravitating towards us.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Over the past few months we have lost so many teens to suicide from being bullied because of their sexuality. My heart goes out to the friends and families of those that decided that suicide was the only way to have peace. I am saddened that they didn’t get a chance to live and discover that there is a peace that comes with loving yourself and accepting yourself for who you are. I am saddened that they didn't live to experience the peace that comes from our creator. I am saddened that some of them didn't get the many messages saying "It's get better."
Hearing about suicide always creates an anxiety within because I remember as a teen I wanted to end it all. I too thought that the only way I would find peace is to rest in peace. I was constantly picked on for being different. I was called names that at that time I didn't know the meaning of. As a sexually inactive teenager, I didn’t know what being gay meant. I didn't understand how people thought they knew something so intimate about me when I didn’t even fully understand it.
I would be totally telling a lie if I said I didn't already have these feelings and curiosities from my earliest memories, but I never acted on them and tried everything in my power to resist them and be as normal as I knew how to be. Matter of fact, I resisted sex all together because I knew there was something more to it than just doing it. I remember people thinking that I was shy, but I was trying to be invisible to keep from being picked on. I thought that if I didn’t talk, walk or play with others no one would notice I was around. I am thankful that I had plenty of cousins to play with, but even within my family it wasn't always easy so I stuck close to my grandmother's side.
Being with my grandmother kept me in church every Sunday and to my benefit Jesus revealed himself to me at a very early age and somehow I knew everything would eventually be alright. No matter how hard it got I always knew it would be better, but as time went on and I began to attend church less I became overwhelmed and one day after a really hard week in Junior High I sat down and wrote my mom a long letter basically telling her that I was tired and I didn’t want to live anymore. I was planning to jump off the bridge near my house just to be done with it all so that people could move on to the next person and leave me alone.
I think writing the letter instead of a suicide note helped me to exhale a little bit and once I saw my words on paper I began to pray that God would fix me because I didn't want to die. I had dreams I wanted to accomplish when I grew up and if I committed suicide I would never get to accomplish them. I thank God for answering my prayers because he did indeed fix me. He has never let the thought of suicide enter my mind since that day because that was the only thing that needed to be fixed at that time.
People say that you can't be gay/lesbian and be a saved Christian, but let me tell you, yes I am, yes I can and yes I will. Now we have worn purple for those victims of suicide and it was a very touching day of unity, but from what I know to be true, the color purple does not prevent suicide, the color red does not prevent HIV and the color pink does not cure breast cancer. It is time we start reintroducing people to a God that accepts and embraces us all. There is no way that I could have made it to where I am today without his love and his grace.
For what I suffered through for most of my childhood and all of my teens there very well could have been a story on the news about my body being rescued from the river, but God rescued me first.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME................
Let someone know that it gets better not easier because we weren’t meant to have an easy life. Everyone has their own unpaved road to travel on and while Easy Street does not exist, Grace Lane is just around the corner.
God Loves You
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
"IS WATCHING PORN CHEATING?"
Like I have said before, in relationships we to have set our own realistic rules. I feel that what others outside of your relationship consider cheating may not necessarily hold true for your situation. We have to learn to handle the issues that arise in our relationships on an individual basis and not go with the popular public opinion. Sandi Jackson, the wife of Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr., was just quoted when speaking on his affair by saying “it’s amazing how what you once thought was black and white becomes variations of a color called gray.”
If watching porn is your guilty pleasure and your mate is uncomfortable with the activity, it is only fair that the both of you consider the feelings of one another. Is porn more important than your relationship? Maybe you can come to an agreed scheduled time of when it is acceptable.
Most importantly, you should assess your reasons for watching porn. Many people have undiagnosed addictions to porn that are simply overlooked because there is no controlled substance involved, but countless hours of pornographic activity is very controlling and time consuming. Subscriptions to several porn sites that cost money can be a problem that translates into your mate’s issues with porn. Are you watching porn because of the lack of sexual activity in your relationship? Do you feel that you have watch porn in order to be fulfilled sexually?
Acknowledging the issues some people may have with their partners watching porn, I personally do not feel that it is cheating, but I am not in a relationship with you. I also feel that it is something that should be addressed up front before entering into a relationship. The same time everything else is being discovered about one another like drinking, smoking, partying, and etc.
“Starting the conversation can lead to the resolution”
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Revealing the Revelation: Desire vs. Destiny
For I know the plans I have for you, “says the LORD.” They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Do you ever wake up some mornings and declare, “This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it,” but somewhere throughout the course of the day that joy gets lost and your declaration becomes simple religious rhetoric? Do you often find yourself slipping into a blue mood for reasons beneath the surface of your understanding? Have you ever felt like you wanted to cry, scream or just have a fit of frustration? It is understandable sometimes when there are specific issues pressing, but when it’s not clear what the reason is, perplexity takes over.
I was explaining my feelings to a friend and he told me that there were some things in my life that I was not dealing with that were getting the best of me at that moment. I thought about it for a moment and immediately the Holy Spirit revealed to me that the undercurrent that was pulling me down was the struggle between my desires and my destiny. It was an astounding moment of epiphany. It was as if someone had just flicked on the light in a room of darkness.
Let’s first establish an understanding of the two words desire and destiny; we then can further understand their repelling forces. For the most part, our desires tend to be carnal by nature. The word desire is defined as: to long for or to crave, a sexual appetite, but don’t get stuck just on sexual appetite; it’s deeper than that. Desires tend to satisfy our flesh with temporary solutions to things that require permanent resolutions through spiritual revelations.
When we see things we want, we go after them without praying and asking God for direction and without consideration of how it may affect us in the long run. God gives us permission to do whatever we want to do, but warns us that not all things are beneficial. This means that some things will not line up with his divine plan and will end up costing you something. Some things will not benefit you as it relates to where God is trying to lead you. Think about if your job didn’t offer a benefits package; nothing would assist you in long term planning, financially or physically. How long would you continue to be content with just a bi-weekly check that satisfied your present situation, but did nothing for your future?
It is our desires that tend to get us into debt, bad marriages and situations that cause us to compromise our morals and our spiritual principles. It is often our desires that lead us into wilderness situations; Situations that cause us to wonder, “How did I get here and why am I here?”
I think back to when I was teenager/young adult and mother told me that I was living the wild life. At that moment I was really offended by that comment because I did not see anything that I was doing as wild. Yes, I partied with my friends, yes I stayed out late, yes I wasn’t as responsible with things that I should have been, but it didn’t seem wild to me because I was comparing what she said to some other things that other people were doing. I took a personal moment of reflection and I transferred the word wild to the acronym W.I.L.D (Whenever I Lose Direction). What my mother was implying is that I was not walking in my purpose, how I had no direction; every decision I made was for the moment from day to day. I was fulfilling my desires and delaying my destiny.
When God created us, He had a plan in mind and that plan is known as our destiny. According to Webster, our destiny is our inevitable fate; our predetermined course of events, which put simply means that there are some things that are going to happen along the way in life that have been purposely planted on your path for your growth and development. Everything is not going to look or feel good, but it will work for your good.
Some people think of destiny and say to themselves “If it’s inevitable then I can just do whatever I want and wait for it to come.” My questions when I hear this statement are “How do you want to finish?” In what condition would you like to be in when you cross the finish line? Do you want to walk, run, be carried or pushed across the finish line?”
Jeremiah 1:5 reads, “Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you.” Later in Jeremiah we find, “for I know the plans I have for you”, says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” God took time to think about you and me and in his thinking he mapped out the best plan for our lives. He made a detailed itinerary and agenda. He has purchased tickets, made reservations, and has secured transportation. All we have to do is show up.
The longer we continue to fulfill our desires we delay our destiny. It is not until we begin to desire what God desires for us that we stay on course with destiny. It is when we mirror God’s desires that we begin to get direction out of the wilderness and into the land of promise.
What God desires for us may not be as much fun as we would like it to be? What God desires for us may not keep us in the popular clique, but it is guaranteed to be the most beneficial and fulfilling thing we could ever do.
Father God, touch my heart and my mind so that I may begin accept the things that you desire for my life. Teach me to be obedient and faithful to the path that you have set before me. Continue to reveal to me who I am in you and continue to show me the way to walk. Keep me upright before men so that they see your work working in me. Father God, let the words of my mouth be acceptable and my actions accountable. It is in the name of Jesus I pray
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"I have a recent ex that tries to gain my attention through negative actions or words then turns around and whispers sweet nothings through text. It's confusing and irritating. I don't want to cut him off because he means a lot to me. What to do?"
You said it yourself, he is trying to gain your attention. Your response lets him know that he is irritating and confusing you and it drives him to continue. I find that when we end relationships we always want to keep our ex's as friends as if its going to make the transition easier or less painful. No it doesnt! For some, its only pouring salt into open wounds. You, knowing him better than most people, can assess if his actions are just out of pain or is this the type of person that he has been all the time. If he is just acting out, then some time being apart is needed and required so that the two of you can exhale and sort through the pieces of whats salvagable from the relationship. What can you save from the relationship to start the foundation for a future friendship?
The most valuable thing that I can tell you about this situation is that you have to draw your own boundary lines in the sand. Your well being comes first and is the only priority in your healing process. You may not want to just cut him off cold turkey, but limit his access to you and you will begin to see a change in the situation.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
It's Tuesday and today is the debut of my weekly blog "Two Cents Tuesday." Throughout the week I will be receiving random emails from different people soliciting my two cents worth of advice on random topics that are affecting their lives in one way or another. The content of this blog may get a little adult from time to time depending on what is being asked of me. I will try not to edit the questions or the advice whenever possible just so we can keep the integrity of the situation.
Well here goes..................
"I have a partner and you have a partner, but we both want each other badly. What do we do?"
Many people come face to face with this situation and I can almost assume that this is not the first time either of you have been at this crossroad before. Without knowing your relationship personally, I can only tackle what I feel here in these words "we both want each other badly." Immediately, LUST comes to my mind. This is nothing more than pure lust that has gotten out of control. You have to weigh the cost of losing everything that you both have invested in your partners for a few moments of passion. Usually, when we want something "badly" it is only for the sake of feeling the satisfaction of temporarily pleasing our flesh. Personally, I feel that you and this person should discontinue any contact with one another and channel the energy you feel for one another into your relationships. To continue to see one another or talk to one another will only fuel the fire because you both will continue to feed the weakness and it will only grow. Start casual conversations with your partners and see what may be lacking at home. There is a root to this situation and the sooner you get down to it the sooner you can cut it off. Remember love requires discipline
"Please explain to me why I can't find a real date. Why is it that 90% of dudes can't get pass the size of my ass and see the rest of me?"
First, I don't know if you were serious when you sent this or not, but I am going to give you two cents anyway (Smile). Never forget that men will be men no matter if they are gay, straight, blind or crazy. If you have a nice behind they are going to notice it. It's the nature of most men. Your response to this behavior dictates what happens next. You can either loosen up and pay it to the wind or you can turn up your nose and don't look back. Finding someone real can be a challenge whether its a real date or a real friend. Good things don't come easy. I will say to you that you shouldnt give up because of a few immature men because you're only looking for one. Trust me, you will know the difference between a lover and a loser.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I recently celebrated 35yrs of life. When the idea entered my mind to have a party, I struggled with who to invite and who not to invite. I had placed certain people in my life in different groups and was debating within myself if it was time to merge them all into one group of people that I love and loved me back.
Celebrating life should be a joyous occasion to be enjoyed by all of the people that have contributed to your life in some way or another. Whether it’s a friendship of 6 months to 15yrs, it doesn’t take long for someone to make a lasting deposit into your life. Some people may have thought a small intimate gathering with a few friends would have been more personal, but being the person that I am I know that there is nothing small about my life and it took LOTS of people to get me to where I am today.
So I merged the list and invited everyone that I knew I could look in the face the day after and not feel one single ounce of judgment or regret. I knew that the only thing to talk about would be how much fun was had. The only guest I was nervous about was my family, but I knew I wanted them there. I have been away from home for over 12yrs and have grown tremendously. I left Richmond, Virginia a boy, but developed into a man. I didn’t party much and couldn’t hold my liquor to save my life. I was wondering if my mom would think that I was living the wild life as she once stated many years ago (Hey Ma). I was wondering if they would think I was no longer a Christian, but I had made up in my mind that they needed to see and meet the other people that love me and that have helped me along the way; people that have kept me safe and sane, people that have provided shelter for me when I didn’t have a place to live, people that fed me when I was broke, people that made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry and people that have prayed on my behalf even when I didn’t know it.
So, I sent out the invites to several people including my family and was all ready to celebrate like a rockstar until a few days before the party my mom said my uncles were coming….*Faints* This surely threw me into a mini shock. Who told them about the party and why did they want to come? When I said family I only had my aunts and my cousin in mind because I didn’t think anyone else would have wanted to come, but I was so wrong. I love everyone in my family, but in my mind I had put up a wall between myself and a few people for no reason other than stubbornness.
The party came and guest arrived including my uncles and to my surprise they had a blast being at my party and seeing all of the people that make up my life. There was a genuine embrace that took me back to my childhood when I looked up to my uncles. I was proud to show off my beautiful female and male friends, but I was mostly proud to introduce them to my friends of over 15yrs. I don’t think I have had a more special moment in my life and I will never forget it as long as I live.
The lesson I learned from this scenario is that when you allow people to see you for who you really are then they can love you for who you really are. Many of us live secret lives outside of and separate from our families, but how many of us have really taken the step to show our families who we really are? When we do this we help others to learn how to love outside the box. I encourage everyone to open up the box and allow the contents of what’s on the inside to be loved on the outside.
Monday, July 26, 2010
I just wanted to say a few words about why I do what I do on here. I enjoy writing from my heart. When it comes to expressing how I feel about love and life I am a very transparent writer. However, nothing I write sums up the totality of who I am or what I have been through. Through different things that come from my pen you can gather the pieces of my character and my life, but still only get a portion. The emotions in what I write come from a collection of experiences past and present.
What I like most about the gift that I have is that I am grateful yet wise enough to know that my life is never above what I share. I stand beside everyone that may find themselves connected with what I say. Perfect is not a word that describes me, but progressive ambition looms above my head and I feel it everyday. I am being pushed into greatness and the more I share the more I heal and the more I heal the better I will be.
Everything I write will not be for everyone and I do not intend curve words and thoughts to please anyone. This is my beat. You have the choice to either dance or get off the dance floor.
Welcome to the Voice. I hope that you laugh, cry, love and most importantly HEAL.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Love Junkie, So damn funky
Stone cold monkey, I can’t get off my back
Love Junkie, So damn funky
Stone cold monkey, hard to shake off my jack
Love Junkie, so damn funky
Stone cold monkey, I can’t off my back
Love Junkie, stone cold monkey, here we go.
Angie Stone’s Love Junkie
I really feel that there should be a rehab center for LOVE addicts. You can check yourself into a clinic for alcohol, drugs and even sex, but where can a person go to heal themselves or get clean from an obsession of being in love with the idea of love? Love can be an addictive bad habit. You can feign for a hit or a quick fix of love just like a crack head needs to feel the tingling in their veins. You can long for love like the burning sensation of alcohol to numb the troubles of the world and blur the realities of your life like a drunk on the corner. Your body can make you believe that if you don’t have sex a certain number of times during a week that you will spontaneously explode, (No pun intended) but what about when you have this unhealthy habit of falling in love for all the wrong reasons?
What ties love to these addictive substances and behavior is that sometimes we are unknowingly chasing love. We are looking for that first high that we felt when we first experienced true love; the flutter in our stomach, the moistness in our palms, and the weakness in our knees. Now matter how many times we start over, the feeling is never the same as the first time love penetrated our hearts. We are chasing the feeling of a moment in time when we felt as though we were floating on cloud nine and no matter how great the next person is they never really have a fair chance of winning your soul.
The dictionary says addictions are those things we do habitually and compulsively. Some of use experience reckless love because it becomes a compulsive habit of falling in love. The only way we feel complete is when we feel that we are in love. Love is a wonderful feeling and I have never felt anything better, but falling in love should be a natural feeling that comes after getting to know and understand someone. I personally do not believe in love at first sight. It’s a great and romantic idea, but loving someone just with your eyes is a set up.
Since there is no such place to handle this addiction we have to be responsible for cleaning up on our own. We have to resist the compulsive urge to chase after love. We have to change our habits of how and who we date. We have to be present in love and not in love with past feelings and relationships.
Hi, my name is DemondMaurice and I am a Love Junkie.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I recently made the statement that being single is the new relationship and it was just a random feeling that came to my head, but the more I thought about it I felt the need to expound on it. The statement was not from a bitter place due to past relationships, but I feel it is a positive step towards reconstruction; an epiphany. Some of us spend so much time investing in relationships with others that we tend to neglect the relationship that we should be nurturing with ourselves. To be clear, I am not suggesting that I am against relationships and that everyone should just be single. What I am suggesting is that maybe if we had better relationships with ourselves we could have better relationships with others.
The same things we invest in others we should invest in ourselves. TRUST- How can you trust someone else when you don’t even trust yourself or the feelings that you have. HONESTY- If you cannot look yourself in the mirror and be honest about what you see inside your reflection then nothing you say to others really matters. RESPECT- No one respects a person that does not respect him or herself. These are just a few things we exhaust ourselves with trying to show and prove to someone else when actually we don’t have them to give because we’ve never authentically developed them. How can you give someone something you don’t even possess?
It is time to change the way we think about being single. Being single does not mean you are alone. Being single does not mean you have failed at love. Being single is a time to reflect, heal and rebuild. Being single is a time to develop your own relationship. Commit to yourself and be the best lover you’ve ever had.