Friday, October 1, 2010


Over the past few months we have lost so many teens to suicide from being bullied because of their sexuality. My heart goes out to the friends and families of those that decided that suicide was the only way to have peace. I am saddened that they didn’t get a chance to live and discover that there is a peace that comes with loving yourself and accepting yourself for who you are. I am saddened that they didn't live to experience the peace that comes from our creator. I am saddened that some of them didn't get the many messages saying "It's get better."

Hearing about suicide always creates an anxiety within because I remember as a teen I wanted to end it all. I too thought that the only way I would find peace is to rest in peace. I was constantly picked on for being different. I was called names that at that time I didn't know the meaning of. As a sexually inactive teenager, I didn’t know what being gay meant. I didn't understand how people thought they knew something so intimate about me when I didn’t even fully understand it.

I would be totally telling a lie if I said I didn't already have these feelings and curiosities from my earliest memories, but I never acted on them and tried everything in my power to resist them and be as normal as I knew how to be. Matter of fact, I resisted sex all together because I knew there was something more to it than just doing it. I remember people thinking that I was shy, but I was trying to be invisible to keep from being picked on. I thought that if I didn’t talk, walk or play with others no one would notice I was around. I am thankful that I had plenty of cousins to play with, but even within my family it wasn't always easy so I stuck close to my grandmother's side.

Being with my grandmother kept me in church every Sunday and to my benefit Jesus revealed himself to me at a very early age and somehow I knew everything would eventually be alright. No matter how hard it got I always knew it would be better, but as time went on and I began to attend church less I became overwhelmed and one day after a really hard week in Junior High I sat down and wrote my mom a long letter basically telling her that I was tired and I didn’t want to live anymore. I was planning to jump off the bridge near my house just to be done with it all so that people could move on to the next person and leave me alone.

I think writing the letter instead of a suicide note helped me to exhale a little bit and once I saw my words on paper I began to pray that God would fix me because I didn't want to die. I had dreams I wanted to accomplish when I grew up and if I committed suicide I would never get to accomplish them. I thank God for answering my prayers because he did indeed fix me. He has never let the thought of suicide enter my mind since that day because that was the only thing that needed to be fixed at that time.

People say that you can't be gay/lesbian and be a saved Christian, but let me tell you, yes I am, yes I can and yes I will. Now we have worn purple for those victims of suicide and it was a very touching day of unity, but from what I know to be true, the color purple does not prevent suicide, the color red does not prevent HIV and the color pink does not cure breast cancer. It is time we start reintroducing people to a God that accepts and embraces us all. There is no way that I could have made it to where I am today without his love and his grace.

For what I suffered through for most of my childhood and all of my teens there very well could have been a story on the news about my body being rescued from the river, but God rescued me first.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME................

Let someone know that it gets better not easier because we weren’t meant to have an easy life. Everyone has their own unpaved road to travel on and while Easy Street does not exist, Grace Lane is just around the corner.

God Loves You


J. Maurice said...

Demond, this exhortation has truly filled the recesses of my mind. I, like you, pondered the notion of committing such a grievous act against myself in the past. But, if it hadn't been for the grace of God and those who held me dear... I believe, first and foremost, that it is the duty of those like you and I to pull others near and embrace rather than throw shade. That person for me was Sam "Sable" Jenkins. Ms. Sable was always there with words of wisdom and "tea". She kept me alert and on my toes; not knees. She was the one person I could go to with all my insecurities, questions about boys/dates, but yet, the first one to check me when my pearls hung low. We all have to be Ms. Sable and reach out to those who presently stand where we once stood. Where would/do we find such situations?! Look around. Open your eyes. They're not necessarily teens or "kids" they are you and I.

Kevin E. Taylor said...



That was so powerful and purposeful and that letter, that release to your mother MATTERED in ways that that young You may never have understood!


And yes, we can Be Gay and Christian because GOD MADE US AND NOT WE OURSELVES!

What an amazing message. Thank you for sharing and showing how wonderfully and fearfully made we are.


deonte' k said...

I loved this.... after what I went through yesterday, reading this is so powerful and it hit home in so many ways... many days I felt the same way, but today I'm glad I stood up for who, and what I am, and I'm glad I didn't let it make feel bad about who I am! Thanks for sharing...

Moanerplicity said...

I felt very sad reading this. The Blessing is that, even in your darkest, most hopeless hour, you didn't go thru with it.

There was & is a reason, a purpose to everyone's life. You are fulfilling your purpose on a daily basis. Even this entry is your way to make a difference in the world. I hope you know that.

Thanks for sharing. Thanks for your bravery. Thanks for saying YES to life!